Recently, I am obsessed with Lady Gaga’s song – Million Reasons. Mainly because I am acting as a little psychotic lately. I have many little things I gonna do. As you know, girls’ brain just can’t stop thinking because our brain is formed by thousand wires as if they are going to encounter short-circuit anytime.
I have my boyfriend thousand miles away and when things do not work well for me, a grievance will start to grow within me. Within this year, I almost ended homeless twice due to some dramas happened in my apartments. The first time, I had all my belongs placed in the corridor of an apartment and had no way to go. I was lucky enough that I found an apartment on the same day I was kicked out from my apartment.
I was scared and hopeless at that point of time. From my bottom of my heart, I was hoping someone could just lend me a hand. When the similar situation was about to happen, I got stressed up and started to blame my boyfriend for not being able to be around. Of course, he had reasons for not being able to be here, more than the valid ones.
However, sometimes, when you have that feeling of resentment, all the other feelings come together. It is like a floodgate when you allow your heart to open up for ridiculous irritation, indignation, anger, exasperation and so on. That is a very dangerous thought. If that ever cross your mind, stop it immediately because that thought is like pulling a string which messes up every single feeling you have. “Whenever I need help and you are not here, what is the point of having you?”
This question is common but vigorous enough to destroy whatever you have built. Trust me, I have asked this question more than hundred times throughout these three years. That’s what happen when you are having a long distance relationship, doesn’t matter you guys are in Japan and Australia, California and LA or UK and Malaysia. Distance is still a distance. You would consider that there is a distance when you are unable to see each other for a period of time. But, having that ‘thought’ is not going to help but to slowly pile up your grudges day by day, month by month. And then when time passes, what you remember is the “distance” and not the love between two human beings.
I have been in this long distance relationship for almost three years. Many questions have been asked such as the most popular one: “How does this relationship work?” Honestly, I don’t know whether it’s going to work or not because in what circumstances this relationship is considered “working”? I am not an expert in relationship and certainly not a guru. I am just an ordinary girl who is trying my best to figure out the best way to get closer to the one I love. Sometimes I do it right, sometimes I do it wrong. I wish there is a handbook but there is really none.
Throughout the journey, there is laughter, there are tears. Sometimes, arguments blur your thoughts and your heart. Lately, I have complained a lot about the relationship. When a complaint has become a habit, it is no longer “argument” anymore because you will simply pick on some things just to make the process going. In any form of relationship, people love compliments. I learnt from first failed relationship but started to forget the current one. Have you?
It is actually so easy to say “I will die for you” when you are crazily in love. But what is the logic if you can give up your life for someone but you can’t give up an argument? Loving someone doesn’t need to cost you an arm and a leg. You can keep your body parts and continue to love me, understand me. It is so easy to say hurtful things whenever people argue. Most of the time, the intention of having the “talks” is no longer to reach out the heart but to destroy it. You thought you will feel better if you win the argument but did you? Throughout these years, I realise that sometimes the person who first says sorry doesn’t mean that he or she is the weaker one but the one who can put his or her ego down and value the person he or she loves more.
In my first relationship, I never mentioned ‘break up’. Partially it was because I never thought about it. In the current one, I would mention break up once awhile when things are difficult. Deep down inside me, I know I would only mention break up when I feel there a chance he will not let me go. If you are trying this, stop it before you regret. ‘Break up’ shouldn’t be a threat. Maybe you will feel like you are at the higher ground when you are the one suggesting to leave, but in fact, it’s really not.
The person who constantly hears these words will eventually get tired and your wish will be granted at the end. So, if that’s not what you wish for, stop stay thing like that. I was once in the position that I felt I have lost the bargaining power in the relationship and that person might be actually thinking to leave, it was crap! If you don’t like this feeling, then don’t treat your other half this way.
“The longest distance from Earth is the distance between two broken hearts. So, stay strong!”